I think if I learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.
It’s been several months now that I am working on what many could call an ’emotional numbness’ condition. Please do not misinterpret my words, I proud myself to be a very nice person and not a cold bitch. Rather, it seems that though I am a very fun loving and generous person (according to my friends at least), a girl who is eternally seeking adventures even by just meeting new people, I am almost always unable to shows (through words) my feelings. In fact, I have been told by several people that I am very hard to read.
There hasn’t been a day in which I cannot think about what these people said. I have always wondered how my friends or the people around me can be so affectionate, so ready to touch each other (hugs and kisses mostly!) so open to whatever comes up in their minds. It’s as if they have no barrier, no fear of showing, of revealing. How is it possible? Dare I say that sometimes their eagerness to show everything, to want everything when it comes to emotions is, to my eyes, perhaps a bit too much?
I once read this marvelous and illuminating statement: ‘ Loving someone is giving that person the ability to destroy you but trusting them not to.’
I think that’s what scares me the most. Giving my everything to be let down so often by those closest to me. The sense of emptiness, desperation that comes from that is so unbearable at times that it does not make sense to even try again. The price? Loneliness I suppose. A constant sense of distance, an overwhelming sense of detachment even though you are surrounded by hundreds of people. Am I crazy to confine myself within such a glass prison? Sometimes it feels like I am living in my own world within this world.
I do find that friendship is sometimes overrated, it appears to me that you have to have lots of friends to be successful or give the impression that you are a good person. How can you give your everything to all those people? Friendship is wonderful when it comes to share your life with only those people without which you wouldn’t live. I think so far I can say that I have very few of them. My personal motto is: a the fewer the better. It is not the number that counts after all. However, I often find myself asking me if it is worth the possible pain, disappointment or even anger. On the other hand there is also joy, a sense of closeness that it almost rare at times, love. Is it worth the fight to keep them, would I allow them to fight for me?
I am yet to find a definitive answer. There are days in which the answer is a ‘Damn right it is worth it, duh!’, other times, when I am at my lowest and saddest the answer is a definitive ‘Never again.’
How difficult it is to love and to be loved by someone? How hard and maddening it is to choose someone and share your darkness with him/her? Is not friendship like picking your soul mate?